I'm getting to an age where marriage and the idea of union to one person forever and ever is beginning to spring about like dandelions in a hay field (Wait, that's wrong. Dandelions in the springtime? Guess I'm off to a good start conveying these thoughts, huh?). I've recently watched as people I knew only as one joined themselves in union with another and became two in one like the shampoo I buy when I'm broke. It freaky. I mean, it's beautiful, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that more than once a day the topic of my relation to another or my future with a mate doesn't come up, and I'm forced to ponder this being my reality sometime soon.
There came a time when I got fed up of this and started telling everyone that I wasn't getting married. Later this evolved to "I will get married, but at a later age". Which is sort of the stage I'm still in with the exception that there's a question mark at the end of the word age. Honestly, I just don't care about marriage right now and much self evaluation has brought me to see that this apathy has stemmed from two realizations about myself. One (which is the reason I write this since I believe this is true universally) is that I am constantly growing. The second, a more personal understanding that I do realize may not be true for everyone is that the idea of growing to love someone, at this point in my life, bores me (half to death actually).
More Than A Fear of Commitment
I am not afraid of commitment. I was not afraid when I was buying two new phones and committing to a pretty pricey contracted bill for my younger sister and I, even though I was on a college salary (to my Credit Score.. I am so sorry.) I wasn't even afraid when I signed up to have Spotify take money directly out of an account I kept forgetting to use. And you guys won't believe that I didn't even flinch when I decided to take 17 credit hours of school and maintain a job (actually that was my first semester of college and I did terribly and quit my job after a month, so it probably isn't the best example). The fear is not to say yes to forever. The fear is not a fear at all but comes from events that have shown me what little is stagnant in your early 20's. One of the most significant, thus far, of these events was sitting and pondering the fact that there was a point in my life where I was ready to drop out of school and join the Mission Field. More than ready, I was eagerly looking for a sign to become a missionary. No one could have guessed or told me that I would come to see that I myself did not believe all I thought I believed and that I was more concerned with helping people rather then changing their beliefs. No one could have told me I'd ever become an agnostic, even with my questions. I could have never guessed it. I am constantly growing. I could say that I'm always changing but changing doesn't seem to be moving me towards a purpose, that purpose being my truest form of self.
It's not even a bad thing really, being able to tell myself that I don't know myself as well as I think I do. It's comforting because though I could find a nice guy, settle a bit, try and live a picture perfect life, etc, the simple fact that I understand this rule of growth will keep me from one day waking up next to someone and thinking this is not who I am. I want to give myself that space to grow.
Growing to Love is Boring
I keep notes on my Iphone and put down little thoughts when I don't have paper or pen near. I once noted to myself "I'm too passionate to ever settle down. Growing to love is so boring." Don't get me wrong, the concept of growing to have a meaningful relationship through understanding and patience with another is and always will be beautiful to me.. but I can have that with my dentist. I want love. I want crazy, fiery, stupid love (but one that still kinda makes sense on the side since I'm still growing and whatnot). I want to feel moved by another person. I want to not want to eye that piece of candy that just walked in the store because I have my own piece of candy and his chocolate is all this girl needs (that was not meant to be dirty at all)! I just want to know, without a doubt and I don't think that comes with looking.
If I can't have that love where I know, then I just want to continue to grow. Perhaps one day I will marry a companion whom I can laugh at everything with and who has understanding. Beyond that though, right now.. marriage? I just don't care. So let's not talk about it.
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