Perhaps This is Why Things Don't Work Out

I've always been much of a book nerd and I have a keen habit of remembering ideas and stories but not the books name, authors, exact words, or even the names of characters. Lately a small phrase from a book I read somewhere between the age of 4-17 has been repeating itself in my head.

It goes something like "There is nothing better than the moment, the anticipation, before the kiss. Not even the kiss itself."

I think it's been repeating itself to me because I'm on this journey of becoming who I want to be or who I've always been (since so often as we grow older we change ourselves to mold to society's conception of who we are and who we ought to be).

I've been dating more. Only a handful (and when I say handful I mean at most three) friends know how many guys I've seen with within the past month. This may be mainly because I'm very reserved about intimate relationships and also, in part it has something to do with nothing really getting very far.

I'm at this point in life where I've grown to have a sincere love, accepting attitude, and healthy relationship with myself. Beyond that I've read all the articles that talk about being you regardless and forgiving men for not being Mr. Perfect (as well as forgiving yourself for not being Ms. Perfect) and I think I've got a healthy grasp enough to let go and keep living when things don't work out. But the other day, while repeating the little phrase about kisses to myself (after another failed attempt at an intimate relationship) , my mind was bombarded a thought.

We have so cleverly idealized our personal models of a relationship that we often are not able to accept the reality of the human standing right in front of us.

Within the spree of boys I've dated I've had two boys who have demonstrated that my interest in their lives was highly valuable. However, at one point or another, both boys freaked out and decided they were unsure or didn't want to pursue a relationship. The attraction between each boy and I was there and we had had good conversations. There was even this attempt to  "see if I was still interested" without actually trying anything from one of the boys after he cut things off. Later that day walking, I thought to myself when the pretty girls is in front of you, when the idea is no longer an idea and it's happening, we FREAK out like "Oh My God. This is not the feeling I was expecting to feel. I thought it'd be magical" Then we cut it.

 Well maybe if we let go of the idea we have and actually be present in that moment we'll find that just having someone that you enjoy and whom equally enjoys you can be more pleasurable. Not that we shouldn't dream of wonderful passionate bonds with wonderful passionate people but if there's one thing I've learned in the few years of my existence it is that love, passion, fire, and this desire to spend your forever with a companion (even a friend) often presents itself in the most quiet of times, secret of moments, sneaking up and throwing butterflies at you. I've fallen in love with friends and family, people I've known my entire life, at the most unlikely of times. Often it's been just sitting there watching a movie or over some ice cream. These moments where I wasn't comparing them to this ideal I had of who they were or who I wanted them to be, but rather in the acceptance of who they were.. at that moment.

Though I do believe one can grow to love another I also believe the special love, the one that we're all looking for, the one that makes us feel as though our lives are purposeful, can present itself at any given time of your relation to another. It could be at the beginning. It could in between. It could be after a year.

I'm not saying that I think one should stay with a person they feel no connection to for a year only to see if something will happen. Rather the opposite, I'm saying we all should learn to live in the moment, accept things for what they are, and not close ourselves to that chance of our cousin  becoming our best friend, or that guy from work who "always uses my dishes and who I'd  personally like to see  disappear off the face of the earth" becoming the only person you can go and cry to over your fears late at night. It could happen. I once read that relationships are amorphous, meaning they have no definite form. So don't close yourself off.

The idea is sweet, but reality can be grow to be pretty brilliant as well.

I think I'll know I've found someone wonderful when the reality becomes better than the dream, and when the kiss brings more bliss than it's anticipation.

It's just a thought.