The Fuck You Mean Marriage?

I'm getting to an age where marriage and the idea of union to one person forever and ever is beginning to spring about like dandelions in a hay field (Wait, that's wrong. Dandelions in the springtime? Guess I'm off to a good start conveying these thoughts, huh?). I've recently watched as people I knew only as one joined themselves in union with another and became two in one like the shampoo I buy when I'm broke. It freaky. I mean, it's beautiful, but I'd be lying if I didn't say that more than once a day the topic of my relation to another or my future with a mate doesn't come up, and I'm forced to ponder this being my reality sometime soon.

There came a time when I got fed up of this and started telling everyone that I wasn't getting married. Later this evolved to "I will get married, but at a later age". Which is sort of the stage I'm still in with the exception that there's a question mark at the end of the word age. Honestly, I just don't care about marriage right now and much self evaluation has brought me to see that this apathy has stemmed from two realizations about myself. One (which is the reason I write this since I believe this is true universally) is that I am constantly growing. The second, a more personal understanding that I do realize may not be true for everyone is that the idea of growing to love someone, at this point in my life, bores me (half to death actually).

More Than A Fear of Commitment 

I am not afraid of commitment. I was not afraid when I was buying two new phones and committing to a pretty pricey contracted bill for my younger sister and I, even though I was on a college salary (to my Credit Score.. I am so sorry.) I wasn't even afraid when I signed up to have Spotify take money directly out of an account I kept forgetting to use. And you guys won't believe that I didn't even flinch when I decided to take 17 credit hours of school and maintain a job (actually that was my first semester of college and I did terribly and quit my job after a month, so it probably isn't the best example). The fear is not to say yes to forever. The fear is not a fear at all but comes from events that have shown me what little is stagnant in your early 20's. One of the most significant, thus far, of these events was sitting and pondering the fact that there was a point in my life where I was ready to drop out of school and join the Mission Field. More than ready, I was eagerly looking for a sign to become a missionary. No one could have guessed or told me that I would come to see that I myself did not believe all I thought I believed and that I was more concerned with helping people rather then changing their beliefs. No one could have told me I'd ever become an agnostic, even with my questions. I could have never guessed it. I am constantly growing. I could say that I'm always changing but changing doesn't seem to be moving me towards a purpose, that purpose being my truest form of self.

It's not even a bad thing really, being able to tell myself that I don't know myself as well as I think I do. It's comforting because though I could find a nice guy, settle a bit, try and live a picture perfect life, etc, the simple fact that I understand this rule of growth will keep me from one day waking up next to someone and thinking this is not who I am. I want to give myself that space to grow.

Growing to Love is Boring 

I keep notes on my Iphone and put down little thoughts when I don't have paper or pen near. I once noted to myself  "I'm too passionate to ever settle down. Growing to love is so boring." Don't get me wrong, the concept of growing to have a meaningful relationship through understanding and patience with another is and always will be beautiful to me.. but I can have that with my dentist. I want love. I want crazy, fiery, stupid love (but one that still kinda makes sense on the side since I'm still growing and whatnot). I want to feel moved by another person. I want to not want to eye that piece of candy that just walked in the store because I have my own piece of candy and his chocolate is all this girl needs (that was not meant to be dirty at all)! I just want to know, without a doubt and I don't think that comes with looking.

If I can't have that love where I know, then I just want to continue to grow. Perhaps one day I will marry a companion whom I can laugh at everything with and who has understanding. Beyond that though, right now.. marriage? I just don't care. So let's not talk about it.

Perhaps This is Why Things Don't Work Out

I've always been much of a book nerd and I have a keen habit of remembering ideas and stories but not the books name, authors, exact words, or even the names of characters. Lately a small phrase from a book I read somewhere between the age of 4-17 has been repeating itself in my head.

It goes something like "There is nothing better than the moment, the anticipation, before the kiss. Not even the kiss itself."

I think it's been repeating itself to me because I'm on this journey of becoming who I want to be or who I've always been (since so often as we grow older we change ourselves to mold to society's conception of who we are and who we ought to be).

I've been dating more. Only a handful (and when I say handful I mean at most three) friends know how many guys I've seen with within the past month. This may be mainly because I'm very reserved about intimate relationships and also, in part it has something to do with nothing really getting very far.

I'm at this point in life where I've grown to have a sincere love, accepting attitude, and healthy relationship with myself. Beyond that I've read all the articles that talk about being you regardless and forgiving men for not being Mr. Perfect (as well as forgiving yourself for not being Ms. Perfect) and I think I've got a healthy grasp enough to let go and keep living when things don't work out. But the other day, while repeating the little phrase about kisses to myself (after another failed attempt at an intimate relationship) , my mind was bombarded a thought.

We have so cleverly idealized our personal models of a relationship that we often are not able to accept the reality of the human standing right in front of us.

Within the spree of boys I've dated I've had two boys who have demonstrated that my interest in their lives was highly valuable. However, at one point or another, both boys freaked out and decided they were unsure or didn't want to pursue a relationship. The attraction between each boy and I was there and we had had good conversations. There was even this attempt to  "see if I was still interested" without actually trying anything from one of the boys after he cut things off. Later that day walking, I thought to myself when the pretty girls is in front of you, when the idea is no longer an idea and it's happening, we FREAK out like "Oh My God. This is not the feeling I was expecting to feel. I thought it'd be magical" Then we cut it.

 Well maybe if we let go of the idea we have and actually be present in that moment we'll find that just having someone that you enjoy and whom equally enjoys you can be more pleasurable. Not that we shouldn't dream of wonderful passionate bonds with wonderful passionate people but if there's one thing I've learned in the few years of my existence it is that love, passion, fire, and this desire to spend your forever with a companion (even a friend) often presents itself in the most quiet of times, secret of moments, sneaking up and throwing butterflies at you. I've fallen in love with friends and family, people I've known my entire life, at the most unlikely of times. Often it's been just sitting there watching a movie or over some ice cream. These moments where I wasn't comparing them to this ideal I had of who they were or who I wanted them to be, but rather in the acceptance of who they were.. at that moment.

Though I do believe one can grow to love another I also believe the special love, the one that we're all looking for, the one that makes us feel as though our lives are purposeful, can present itself at any given time of your relation to another. It could be at the beginning. It could in between. It could be after a year.

I'm not saying that I think one should stay with a person they feel no connection to for a year only to see if something will happen. Rather the opposite, I'm saying we all should learn to live in the moment, accept things for what they are, and not close ourselves to that chance of our cousin  becoming our best friend, or that guy from work who "always uses my dishes and who I'd  personally like to see  disappear off the face of the earth" becoming the only person you can go and cry to over your fears late at night. It could happen. I once read that relationships are amorphous, meaning they have no definite form. So don't close yourself off.

The idea is sweet, but reality can be grow to be pretty brilliant as well.

I think I'll know I've found someone wonderful when the reality becomes better than the dream, and when the kiss brings more bliss than it's anticipation.

It's just a thought.

Past Lives

Do you ever just get  the feeling that you must have known someone sometime before your time? You get to know this person and, right from the start you're on a roller coaster of emotions, unsure of what context may lay behind this since there hadn't been an opportunity much for the feels to develop. 

This has happened to me more that once. Actually I think twice. When it came to sex of my preference, which are men. Both times it was very difficult to untangle myself from the captivity of all that I felt for these boys (being that I'm only 20 I'm unaccustomed to calling them men). And also, both times there was very little history between the boys and I to have had created so much feeling and despair. 

Perhaps they remind me of the one I've lost. All three (both boys and the one I had loved) were confusing. All three had given me some sort of security in understanding. All three I had had late night heart to hearts with.Conversations that began it all. All three I never got over. 

Maybe they are all versions of him, the first of the three. In which case it would make sense for me not to want to untangle myself.. he was the truest love I knew. 

Or maybe they were each my him in another time. 

It's a beautiful thought.. but I think my best option is to forget about all three of them and find something more stable. 

My boring, yet, personal list of things to accomplish this summer

 

1. Take Piano Classes

2. Read the entire collection of untoched Paulo Coelho books I own

3. Go to a Hooks game ( my city's baseball team)

4. Get published by Huff. Post

5. Book a shoot with Sam

6. Buy a new Camera and a Mac

7. See Micahel Buble again in Austin

8. Book my flights

9. Start my book
Bonus: Find a formal event to attend, preferably on a rooftop

 

My list is short, but my summer will be as well.