That moment between autumn and winter is my favorite season. Rainy weather is my favorite kind of weather. And I guess that seems a little backwards since I am always cold, but they are my two favorite nonetheless.
It was in winter when I first feel in love.
In winter, when I first began to understand myself.
And in winter when I realized I wanted to change the world.
Winter has also been the season where I've battled the most violent of melancholic thoughts.
It may be the lack of sun or being able to go out. It may be a loss of Vitamin D (as one girl put it). It may just be a coincidence that I suffer with myself so heavily during my favorite time of year. I haven't quite figured it out yet.
Now we're going into a time where autumn and winter meet and shake hands. With every first kiss I receive from the wind each time I walk outside, my heart is warmed; because I am reminded of the season and the promise of understanding it brings.
Yet, with every day that passes, I have to fight harder and harder to keep myself in check. And to keep myself from drowning in a despair I can hardly understand,.
This year it's people.
Groups of them.
Ever since my experience with the Christian group, I can't stand being in groups of people because I am constantly feeling judged. Or like their dislike of me/ disinterest in my existence is too evident. My depression has taken the form of insecurity. And I have to constantly remind myself that my thoughts stem from a belief inside of me, that I am not worth enough. That this belief may not be true and the thoughts that stem as a result of this belief may also not be true. It's a struggle. It really is. Everyday I search for some sort of formula to make it easier on myself. I want life to have a formula, like a rule book that will always be true and you will always find peace if you just follow these simple rules.
It doesn't work like that though. Life is messy. It can't be sorted and put into categories. There's no one formula to happiness or else we would all be bundles of joy.
I guess what we can do, what I can do, is learn to take it day by day. Accept what I can't change, love myself, and be grateful for what is.
I want to change the world. And maybe my boyfriend was right. Maybe the best way to do that is just to be me.
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Saturday, October 11, 2014
Social Media is a bitch Series: Follow Nation
FOLLOW NATION
So I used to be at the forefront of this movement I call follow nation.
The rules are simple.
If someone you know but aren't super close to, or you are relatively close to, but doesn't seem cool enough and/or doesn't have many likes on their posts, follows you on instagram... don't follow them back.
If someone you sorta/kinda know/ have seen around and seems like they would like to be your friend because you're oh so cool (just don't let anyone know you're aware of that), follows you on instagram, don't follow them back
Basically if someone you have had any form of interaction *cough* significant interaction with (at least to them) follows you on instagram and they have
a. less followers than people they are following
b. less than 11 likes or more on their pictures
c. less than 100 posts
d. more than 1000 posts
e. interesting pictures but not really
or f. all of the above... DO NOT feel inclined to follow back.
- someone you just met and who's evidently trying to get connected
-someone you have or have had a relationship with and you secretly don't like them **double points if you were following them and unfollowed them and it was never addressed that you didn't like them
-people you don't know but are obviously real people
-a co-worker
-someone you don't particularly know but see sometimes locally
- someone you have hung out with but "you just don't give a shit man, you don't want to see their posts anymore" ...
Okay, are ya'll getting my point here?
This shit is ridiculous. Seriously.
I've been going through this recent condition called "growing up" and it's really strange but I've begun to desire truly nourishing and enriching relationships. Realizing how seemingly retarded it was to weigh the number of those who were following me on instagram and those who I was following I had to ask myself how much these people really meant to me. Are their lives important? I mean, I'm sure you're thinking.. "aleichia, it's not that serious. It's just social media." Well if that's the case why does it hurt you so much to not follow back? Literally I had friends, or people who I would consider friends, liking all my shit and I didn't have the decency to keep them on my feed because sure you're important... but just not THAT important.
It's really immature when you think about it. Also, it confirms the theory that western civilizationers (I made that word up) are extremely insecure due to our bizarre societal standards and we increasingly want to feel like the "cool guy". If we treated our social media like everyday interaction I just might walk right past, ignoring the existence of, half the people I know ! Maybe I'm getting old. Or maybe this is just a phase and I will soon come to my senses and realize that likes and follows ARE more important than people's lives! Who knows.
All I know is that right now I don't want a fucking fan base. I want friends and real relationships that I can nourish. So there.
Tune in next time when I discuss how I now think that posting pictures of food, creating a false internet presence, and documenting things I was present at but didn't really experience is STUPID AS HELL! Don't miss it folks!
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