That moment between autumn and winter is my favorite season. Rainy weather is my favorite kind of weather. And I guess that seems a little backwards since I am always cold, but they are my two favorite nonetheless.
It was in winter when I first feel in love.
In winter, when I first began to understand myself.
And in winter when I realized I wanted to change the world.
Winter has also been the season where I've battled the most violent of melancholic thoughts.
It may be the lack of sun or being able to go out. It may be a loss of Vitamin D (as one girl put it). It may just be a coincidence that I suffer with myself so heavily during my favorite time of year. I haven't quite figured it out yet.
Now we're going into a time where autumn and winter meet and shake hands. With every first kiss I receive from the wind each time I walk outside, my heart is warmed; because I am reminded of the season and the promise of understanding it brings.
Yet, with every day that passes, I have to fight harder and harder to keep myself in check. And to keep myself from drowning in a despair I can hardly understand,.
This year it's people.
Groups of them.
Ever since my experience with the Christian group, I can't stand being in groups of people because I am constantly feeling judged. Or like their dislike of me/ disinterest in my existence is too evident. My depression has taken the form of insecurity. And I have to constantly remind myself that my thoughts stem from a belief inside of me, that I am not worth enough. That this belief may not be true and the thoughts that stem as a result of this belief may also not be true. It's a struggle. It really is. Everyday I search for some sort of formula to make it easier on myself. I want life to have a formula, like a rule book that will always be true and you will always find peace if you just follow these simple rules.
It doesn't work like that though. Life is messy. It can't be sorted and put into categories. There's no one formula to happiness or else we would all be bundles of joy.
I guess what we can do, what I can do, is learn to take it day by day. Accept what I can't change, love myself, and be grateful for what is.
I want to change the world. And maybe my boyfriend was right. Maybe the best way to do that is just to be me.
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